How I Got My Allergic-To-Sleep Daughter To Actually Sleep Through The Night

My daughter has always slept about as well as somebody who decides it’s a good idea to snort ten pounds of cocaine before bedtime. I’ve never really cared and it’s never particularly bothered me because I’m pretty sure this is how 90% of babies sleep (or don’t sleep). If your baby sleeps like a corpse than GOOD ON YOU AND YOUR UNICORN CHILD. You will probably learn NOTHING from this blog. But for the other eleventy-thousand parents out there with children who think sleep is for the dead, this is for you.

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I’m not an expert at parenting. Not even a little bit of an expert. I have one child under the age of two which means I barely even qualify as a parent. I’ve JUST snuck into the parenting world (literally by accident, although we just call her Maddie). When you first enter the world of parenting you turn up to ‘The Club’ with a box of Favourites and a cob loaf, beaming from ear to freaking ear like a loser because you don’t know that NOBODY FUCKING CARES YOU’RE HAVING A BABY LISA, BECAUSE WE HAVE SIX KIDS. DO BETTER.

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1.     Say things like “I’m exhausted” and “I’m so busy”. Make sure you use these phrases frequently so people KNOW that you are really fucking tired and busy.

2.     Don’t just DRINK coffee, put it in every orifice you can find. Stick it up your butt hole, inject it straight into your bloodstream, snort ground beans like a high-end model.

3.     Find sultanas EVERYWHERE.

4.     Spend 67% of yours days telling your kid that they’re fine. SPOILER ALERT: This is the essence of parenting. 

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