MY PARENTING SKILLS ARE KIND OF SHITTY

Maddie and I Kissing.jpg

I’m not an expert at parenting. Not even a little bit of an expert. I have one child under the age of two which means I barely even qualify as a parent. I’ve JUST snuck into the parenting world (literally by accident, although we just call her Maddie). When you first enter the world of parenting you turn up to ‘The Club’ with a box of Favourites and a cob loaf, beaming from ear to freaking ear like a loser because you don’t know that NOBODY FUCKING CARES YOU’RE HAVING A BABY LISA, BECAUSE WE HAVE SIX KIDS. DO BETTER.

Seriously, I have it so damn good. And so damn easy! My toddler is a complete twat at times and sleeps like someone who’s snorted ten pounds of cocaine but is STILL easy because she is only ONE small person. My sister-in-law got up the duff with three baby boys when she was already the proud owner of a three-month-old baby boy. THAT is fucking hard. Ever since these babies exited her (obviously they came out of the sunroof because- babies x3) I’ve been nothing but grateful EVERY SINGLE DAY. Whenever Maddie is being a pest or she’s teething or she’s not sleeping I just think to myself “Mikaela, imagine if you had heaps of these things. Quit your bitching.” 

I also think that my parenting skills are at about a zero. Don’t get me wrong I think I am an amazing Mum…to Maddie. But that doesn’t make me an award-winning parent. It just makes me a good Maddie Carer. I’m an expert at parenting my own child. In fact I’m the most expert-y expert! Nobody can parent Maddie better than Chris and I can! Which leads me to the point of this entire stupid (kidding, it’s amazing) blog.

Even if you DO have eleven-ty hundred children, you are not an expert.

We’re judgey as all shit. This isn’t just parents (or even worse, Mothers) by the way- this is everyone. Mother’s just happen to be wearing the tiara and sash with Miss Judgmental Bitch embroidered on the side of it.  They win. They are the winners! Nobody judges harder than a Mother does! I logically knew this before a baby took up residence in my womb but far out brussel sprouts, I had no fucking idea JUST how bad they really are. Honestly, Mum’s are fucking dragons. Unzip their human exterior and you will get fucking torched. They look like they’re smiling and laughing and Pinning and Instagramming but little did you know they are all fucking nuts. 

I mean that in the nicest way. Something happens to a woman once a human has decided to pack up its shit and move out of their insides. All of a sudden, Karen- who used to be a regular human and nobody used to give a fuck about- is noticed by EVERYONE. 

“So did you vaccinate your child?”

“Hmm she must be going through a leap.”

“Oh I never gave my children that until they were at least six months old”

“Is she a good baby?”

“Oh I see you’re not breastfeeding…”

“Are you still breastfeeding? I honestly think that’s gross”

“So did you have her naturally?”

“Aw I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience birth because you had a C-Section”

“My child has slept through the night since he was 2 months old! I honestly think it’s how you parent”

“Hey I’m a big old judgemental Mum Cunt, I see you’re doing a shit job there! Let me bless you with ALL OF MY OPINIONS YOU HAVEN’T ASKED FOR”

Because of comments like these- Karen is now FUCKING TERRIFYED. It’s hard enough trying to keep a human alive that acts as though it would rather get hit by every passing car and stab itself with a steak knife than live to see another day, without a bunch of judgey knob-suckers being all judgey and opinion-y. Being a new Mum is scary as shit. Being a parent to forty kids is probably still scary as shit! The love that you have for these little wankers is so intense that you look at them and cry because your heart feels like it might explode out of your chest. Everybody is just doing the best that they can with the knowledge they have and the experiences they’ve lived. So long as you love your child, you’re not doing a bad job. You’re just doing a different job to the Mum next to you.  

If somebody is pregnant, don’t tell them how hard their life is about to get and that they’ll never sleep again. If you do this, you are a twat. Just let the glow-y, hypothetical Mother live her best fucking life. She may have a unicorn child who sleeps through the night from the second it’s born. She probably won’t! But she just MIGHT. So back the fuck off and let her figure that out for herself. If somebody tells you that they got their three-month-old sleeping perfectly, you don’t have to ruin their win by telling them to strap themselves in for a four month regression that will make them want to sell their child. JUST LET THEM ENJOY THEIR WIN. Don’t scare them. Because trust me, they’re scared enough. If your friends one-year-old can’t count to 20 but your child could at their age THEN THAT’S GREAT BUT SHUT YOUR FACE. Because that’s really fucking fantastic that you spend 40 hours a day doing flash cards with your 10-month-old but some 10-month-olds would rather fucking die than do flash cards (the 10-month-old and I BOTH).

We’re already stressed enough without having to worry about whether or not our child is fucking broken.

Nobody is an expert in the field of parenting children. Just like nobody is an expert of adults. Why? Because every person is different! And believe it or not children are still humans, just smaller. THEY ARE SMALL HUMANS. Which means they are all different. They have different talents, different personalities, different abilities, different strengths and weaknesses- different EVERYTHING. No two children (or adults) are the same. So stop comparing yourself to other parents. Stop comparing your children to other children. There is no right way to do anything. The less time you focus on being a parent and instead focus on just loving the shit out of your child and having a good time- the easier your life will become. 

Do you know what makes a good parent? Somebody who really fucking loves their kid/s.  If you want NOTHING but the best for your child than congratulations! You are an incredible parent and your child is SO lucky to have you! The only opinion that matters is the opinion of your devil spawn (and they will probably tell you that they hate you at some point so just be prepared for that). It’s incredibly free-ing when you start giving zero fucks about what other people think. I started doing it a while ago and I tell you what- I LOVE it. I have never enjoyed being Maddie’s Mum more than I do now. Because although I’ve always thought I was a great Mum, I no longer let people make me think otherwise.

So please, let’s all start being nicer to one another! Let’s support each other’s decisions! Let’s offer help in a this-worked-for-me-so-it-might-be-worth-giving-it-a-try sort of way instead of a you’re-doing-it-wrong-that’s-why-your-child-is-being-a-fuckhead way. Let’s talk about things that aren’t babies! Let’s ask each other about adult things like careers and sex lives and our mental wellbeing! Children are a lot of things but they sure as hell aren’t everything. They won’t die if we discuss a good sausage-hiding sesh we had the other night.

Let’s just straight up burn all of our Judgey Hats! Otherwise we’ll end up with children who are insecure and judgey as all fuck.

(Hahahahahaha like US! DUH!)