The Mummy Guilts

The hardest part of parenting for me has not been the parenting itself; instead it’s been the journey of finding my self-worth. A journey that I thought I had well and truly gone on and conquered in my early 20’s. But alas! The journey reared its head in a big way. It pretty much just punched me straight in the face as soon as my womb was done being a home. As my vagina was hanging up an ‘On Lunch Break, Be Back In 2 Years’ sign my brain put up an ‘And By The Way You Suck At Everything’ sign. Which is pretty fucking rude considering the circumstances.

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How To Have A Perfect Birth

Damn, I love birth stories. I wouldn’t recommend listening to ANY story that isn’t fucking lovely and perfect until after you have birthed a child though. Actually, scrap that. Don’t listen to anything. Don’t READ anything. Try to avoid planning anything all together actually, because at the end of the day whatever you think birth is- it’s fucking not. I don’t mean that in a Negative Nelly sort-of-way, I mean it in more of a you-can’t-fucking-plan-for-this sort of way. Birth is amazing and hard and incredible and fucking hard and life-changing but hard as fuck. It’s comical for the most part (when you’re not the one with a fucking human trying to leave you). But in HINDSIGHT (what a magical thing) it’s pretty funny.

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How I Got My Allergic-To-Sleep Daughter To Actually Sleep Through The Night

My daughter has always slept about as well as somebody who decides it’s a good idea to snort ten pounds of cocaine before bedtime. I’ve never really cared and it’s never particularly bothered me because I’m pretty sure this is how 90% of babies sleep (or don’t sleep). If your baby sleeps like a corpse than GOOD ON YOU AND YOUR UNICORN CHILD. You will probably learn NOTHING from this blog. But for the other eleventy-thousand parents out there with children who think sleep is for the dead, this is for you.

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MY PARENTING SKILLS ARE KIND OF SHITTY

I’m not an expert at parenting. Not even a little bit of an expert. I have one child under the age of two which means I barely even qualify as a parent. I’ve JUST snuck into the parenting world (literally by accident, although we just call her Maddie). When you first enter the world of parenting you turn up to ‘The Club’ with a box of Favourites and a cob loaf, beaming from ear to freaking ear like a loser because you don’t know that NOBODY FUCKING CARES YOU’RE HAVING A BABY LISA, BECAUSE WE HAVE SIX KIDS. DO BETTER.

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20 SURE-AS-HECK THINGS THAT MAKE YOU A MUM

1.     Say things like “I’m exhausted” and “I’m so busy”. Make sure you use these phrases frequently so people KNOW that you are really fucking tired and busy.

2.     Don’t just DRINK coffee, put it in every orifice you can find. Stick it up your butt hole, inject it straight into your bloodstream, snort ground beans like a high-end model.

3.     Find sultanas EVERYWHERE.

4.     Spend 67% of yours days telling your kid that they’re fine. SPOILER ALERT: This is the essence of parenting. 

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